Do you feel lost, alone or bored in your marriage?
Are you frustrated, hurt or angry with your spouse?
Are you constantly fighting? Or, do you simply shut down?
Have you thought about separation or divorce?
Does talking about it only make it worse?
There is Hope....Read on
A MARRIAGE RESTORED
I was a successful missionary in Cambodia for 12 years. My wife and four children lived in Cambodia during times of tribulation, war and difficulty, but God blessed us and helped us grow a church in Phnom Penh to more than 600 Sunday morning attendees. We had a very strong church that was known throughout Cambodia. If you believe in apostles, I was an apostolic figure (small "a") with a lot of influence. However, we had let things go in our marriage. We had not dealt with personal satanic strongholds and weaknesses and it eventually caught up with us. It's embarrassing for me to confess that I was unfaithful to my wife and left my family.
As I look back I can only say that I was a very deceived man. I resigned from my position as apostolic leader of a movement of churches and as head of the Relief and Development organization I was leading, but continued in sin. I was threatened by Cambodian church leaders and literally ran out of Cambodia because of my unrepentance. I came to Yuba City broken, not wanting to forsake God, but unrepentant. My hardness of heart towards my family, that is, determination to get a divorce and remarry, started to draw me away from God. My conscience was killing me. I couldn't pray, read the Bible or hardly go to church because of conviction. All the time my faithful wife had taken a stand that she would not forsake me no matter what. She and many others fasted and prayed and God worked on me.
I came to the end of myself when my eyes were supernaturally opened to the stupidity of who I really was - a liar, adulterer, disobedient and on my way to backsliding. I cried out for forgiveness to God and to make a long story short, I am now reconciled with my family, living in Yuba City with my wife and two teenage children. My oldest son is leading the church and vast ministry in Cambodia and my second son is in Bible college in Portland, Oregon.
The lesson: 1) God loves the prodigal so much that He will go to great measures to bring him home; 2) Don't give up on your prodigal spouse. God is working in their heart when you can't see it; 3) Be careful about casting the rebellious believer out too soon. The church I was/am attending did not condone what I was doing, but they loved me and gave time for God to work. My wife and I are available to share what we are learning to those who are interested.
(Due to the sensitive nature of this testimony, please contact YSMRC via email for the author's contact information.)
HOPE FOR COUPLES IN CRISIS by James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
Nothing is more inspirational than the uniting of two unique and divergent personalities in a marital commitment that will last for a lifetime...Who can can comprehend this mysterious bonding that enables a man and woman to withstand the many storms of life and remain best friends to the end of their lives together?
Unfortunately, a depressing number of today's marriages end on a less inspirational note. Indeed, Western nations are witnessing a continuing epidemic of dysfunctional relationships...
The standard approach to marriage counseling is to teach husbands and wives how to revitalize unhealthy relationships and help them work through their conflicts. Unfortunately, such advice assumes that both parties are equally motivatied to work on their problems. That is rarely the case. Typically, when a marriage is unraveling, there is one partner who is less concerned about the prospect of divorce, while the other is terrified by it. At it's worse, as in cases of infidelity, the drifting member often has little desire to engage in couseling, except perhaps as a pretense to lessen the guilt or criticism. He or she may have decided already that the relationship is over. It has been my observation that the way the committed partner responds at that vital juncture will determine whether the marriage wil survive or succumb...
Long before any decision is made to "fool around" or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way a husband or wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects.
Now we begin to see why groveling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on.
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will...
If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attacting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping...
Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously "grabby" lover begins to let go of the cool spouse:
1. The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased.
2. As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" he now asks, "Do I really want to go?" Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!
3. The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better-somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan - program - a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.
A Summary of "Love Must Be Tough" by James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
