We are in the process of compiling a list of resources for Seriously DatingCouples here in the Yuba-Sutter Counties.
Once we have it, we will be posting it on this page.
In the meantime, here are some specific suggestions for you to consider:
Take things slow and easy. If he (or she) really is "The One" for you, there is absolutely no need to rush things. Get to know each other well, in a variety of situations, before pledging undying love to each other. Relationships that begin with a foundation on friendship are usually much more stable in the long run than those that "rush to euphoria", only to later crash and burn.
Become educated about Relationships. How? First step is by reading. While there are a number of very good books about this topic, we recommend the book entitled "Relationships", written by Les and Leslie Parrott, as an excellent place to start.
Develop healthy communications skills and conflict resolution skills. Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington is able to predict with a 91 % accuracy level whether a couple's marriage will succeed or fail by observing them interacting with each other for as little as five minutes. Five minutes! And it's not a matter of whether the couple argues or not that is key, but rather HOW they argue - and how they treat each other when they argue - that turns out to be the most important factor in a couple's long-term success together. Each couple develops its own particular "pattern of interaction" in a relationship. While a "positive pattern of interaction" will build each person, and the relationship up, a "negative pattern of interaction" will usually tear each person and the relationship down. The good news is that positive patterns of interactions can be learned. However, the earlier in a relationship that healthy communications and conflict resolution skills are learned and put into place, the easier it is to make changes - before "bad habits" get too heavily ingrained.
Avoid living together. Have you ever heard someone say that they were going to move in with their boyfriend or girlfriend as a "trial marriage"? Guess what - it doesn't work! Recent research by the University of Wisconsin indicates that 40% of cohabitants break up before getting married. And those who do end up marrying each other after living together experience a 50% higher divorce rate than couples who had not lived together. So instead of experiencing a 50% divorce rate, these couples experience a 75% divorce rate. Overall, what we find is that only 15% of couples that live together before getting married end up in a lasting marriage. If it looks like this relationship may be getting serious enough that the two of you think that it could lead to marriage some day, we strongly suggest that you take a premarital inventory such as FOCCUS, PREPARE, or RELATE, well before you actually get engaged. Any of these inventories will give you a road map of areas in your relationship that you still need to talk about together before you make your final decision concerning your future together. Most couples are not forward-thinking enough to take this step, but once you do you will be glad you did.
If the two of you do decide to get married, participate in the most rigorous Marriage Preparation Program you can find. Go above and beyond any "required" classes the person who is performing the ceremony may require you to take - this is your marriage, not theirs. This is your future happiness at stake. You will find that the time you spend in these types of courses will definitely pay off. Studies conducted by the University of Denver show that those couples that participate in a true "World Class" Marriage Preparation program reduce their probabilities of divorce within the first five years by two-thirds. The time you spend preparing for your marriage will have a much greater impact on your life than the time you spend preparing for your wedding. Remember - a wedding is just a day but a marriage is a lifetime, and we want the life you share together to be the most wonderful it can be.
Once you are married, continue to invest in the relationship. Good marriages do not "just happen". They are built. If you do not continue to invest in your marriage it will die, just like anything else in the world. We strongly suggest that you participate in at least one structured Marriage Enrichment event each and every year of your marriage. These include Married Couples Retreats, or a class series on Marriage, or participating in an ongoing Married Couples Fellowship group at your church (or at a nearby church if your particular church does not happen to offer them).
If your marriage ever starts to experience problems, get help right away. The sooner the problems are addressed, the easier they are to fix. A recent study found that only 10% of couples who got divorced sought help from a professional counselor before filing for divorce, and that those who did get help had been experiencing problems in their marriages an average of six years before they sought help. Here's a commitment to make to each other before you get married - mutually agree that if either of you ever feel like your marriage could use some outside assistance that you both will go in for help together.
Once your relationship gets serious, and you begin to talk about marriage, print this page out and go over it. Ask questions such as: "If we got engaged, would you be willing to take the time to participate in as thorough a Marriage Preparation Process as we could find?" . "If we got married, would you be willing to participate with me in at least one structured Marriage Enrichment activity each and every year of our lives together?" "Would you be willing to agree, up front, that if we did get married that one of the "rules" of our marriage would be that we would both be willing to participate in marriage counseling at any time that either of us requested it?" This is a very important discussion to have. Not only will it give each of you an indication of how much commitment and dedication each of you would be willing to give a future long-term relationship, it may well be setting out guidelines that will keep an eventual marriage relationship on track "as long as you both shall live". And that really is what you are looking for in a marriage - isn't it? - A promise that will last a lifetime.
Recommended Resources
How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, by Henry Cloud
10 Great Dates Before You Say I Do, by David & Claudia Arp
Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts, by Drs Les & Leslie Parrott
